Janner-bird woke one morning
to find it had all gone Pete Wong.
Her burr-buttery vowels had melted,
she’d lost her seagull song.
No more squawking ‘where’s that to’
Nor ‘all reet me lover’ calls.
Janner-bird’s mouth had headed east,
she didn’t like it at all.
East, further than even Exeter!
Way, way up the line.
Her tongue had gone all oriental.
It wasn’t a very good sign.
One helluva headache was all it took
to make this maid Mandarin
She didn’t like Chinese when eating out,
now it was what made her stay in.
Heads scratched science over
her flat-lined sentences and vowels.
They knew what the condition was
but a cure, they didn’t know how.
Her friends dive-bomb the Sundial as always,
plunging beaks into burgers and fries
Janner-bird sits at a distance, watching,
a look of regret in her eyes.
Big, bosomy gull-gals still screech
Check wags in the mags for the looks.
Mistake inane for fame and fortune, while
Heat has become their style book
But these wannabees are still grounded
And janner-bird’s had the last laugh.
Her new voice has got her on TV
and the pages of the Telegraph.
© Jane Slavin
The woman from Plymouth who woke up with a Chinese accent
Jane lives in Plymouth. She likes playing around with words and recently started performing them through Apples and Snakes. Scary but good fun. Her Twitter is @janieslavin